How Do I Girlfriend??!

Somewhere between being an unfulfilled, Persian wife who cooked decently, and an attention hungry, post-divorcee who was dating casually, I finally found a sweet spot for ‘girlfriending’ loaded with perks. A perfect little world filled with endless amounts of attention, dining and wining, cute texts, mid-day coffee breaks, hours of Netflix and chilling, and all the firsts: first kisses, first official dates, first time ordering dirty nachos or any food that is not a salad, first hangovers with pale, no-makeup faces covered with warm towels and regret, first “I love you’s” (because you took such good care of me while I almost died from alcohol poisoning and now I don’t really drink anymore because that was not fun), and first time I accidentally started speaking Farsi while I was half-asleep that time you got up to feed the cats at 5:00 am.

The best part of this whole thing is that I don’t have any of the responsibilities of being a wife. I’m totally here for that sweet, sweet, millennial culture of running away from ‘adulting’ – a word my broke-ass generation created to make ourselves feel better about buying groceries and putting away our laundry. Although at some point, the line between being a girlfriend and a wife becomes blurry, as you advance into a more ambiguous term: ‘partners’.

After miserably failing in my marriage, I spent the next 2 years following my separation trying to crack the code of a successful relationship. Are all relationships doomed? Is there such a thing as happily ever after? Does love have an expiration date? I thought I owed it to myself to at least give it a try. I’ve been bumbling through a new relationship for the past few weeks and have a set of standards for myself to ensure that I’m not a shitty person (so far that’s been easy enough…at least on most days), but I have a million questions!

How do I girlfriend? Is there a manual? What’s on the fine print??

How do I keep these kick-ass perks going?

How long does my subscription go until?

What does the person who previously benefited from these perks want??? The ongoing texting service should end with your subscription, even though you were a hot, valued customer (especially because you were a hot, valued customer).

(In an unrelated note) how do I healthily deal with my jealousy?

Unfortunately us Millennials got rid of manuals because we’re too busy to read. We pride ourselves in trying to figure things out on our own. We’re a pretty independent bunch… except when it comes to making a Dr.’s appointment – then it’s mom to the rescue. Literally. (I should start another blog called “Things I would have died from if it wasn’t for my mom making my Dr.’s appointments. Post 1: Dry Eyes”.)

I may not know how to girlfriend, but to be fair I had no idea what I was doing in the dating world when I downloaded Bumble either- but slowly, one swipe (followed by one bad date) at a time, I mastered the rules of that horrid game, which included but were not limited to:

No double texting, no immediate responses after being left on read for days, no talking about your ex, no mentions of future plans farther away than the upcoming weekend, no starting a new show together, etc. I’ve definitely broken all those rules with every single person (I didn’t say I was any good at the dating game, I just said I learnt the rules) but that life is thankfully behind me now. *shudders just thinking about it*

Now I quadruple text my boyfriend on at least 3 different platforms simultaneously and talk to him freely about the kind of dog we should adopt ways down the line (after we have all the babies). But the bravest thing we’ve done as a new couple is going on a dangerous, but exciting journey of true commitment… no, not to each other!! On a cold, rainy, spring day, my boyfriend looked deep into my light brown eyes, and I looked into his sparkling blues and we promised to binge watch the shit out of Game Of Thrones!! 5 weeks. Over 70 episodes! (This is part of a campaign of making me more culturally relevant so I can be part of a greater phenomenon! I’ve missed the boat on previous pop culture occurrences on the account of not caring, but have now found myself immersed in the lives of fictional characters fighting for an iron throne).

Here are a few things I’ve learned from binging GOT: 4 hours of murdering babies, battle scenes and rape is too many for one day.

Other things I’ve learned from binging GOT: you can’t fast forward episodes to get to the end, or you’ll miss some of the most epic story-lines (this is supposed to be a metaphor for life).

One last thing I’ve learned from binging GOT that I’m forcibly relating to this post: there’s no manual for ruling over Westeros and claiming the seven kingdoms. There’s no manual to being the perfect girlfriend either! It involves feelings you can’t put into words and moods you can’t explain, and fears that you can’t find the basis for. When I told my best friend I didn’t quite know how to girlfriend, she told me that the manual my boyfriend and I are creating together should be an open book with no panicked edits, or rewrites. So our story will be messy, exquisite, and sometimes painfully honest – but it will definitely be binge-worthy.