I officially completed the 18 month mark of “singledom” in December 2018 (god, was December only 3 weeks ago? Why does it feel like it’s been January 2019 for 84 years?). I use the word “single” in quotations, because what I lacked in a healthy, real relationship over the past year and a half, I managed to make up for in toxic situationships (defined by Urban dictionary as a “relationship that has no label on it… like a friendship – but more than a friendship… but not quite a relationship.”)
Here’s the tragic story of my longest standing situationship with a guy I was convinced was my soulmate: our first date was magical and straight out of the scene of a romantic movie. We immediately clicked and I felt like I was home. We reunited after being apart for a few months, and picked up where we left off – the magic was stronger than ever! Our chemistry was undeniable! Our conversations magnetic! We would spend hours talking and as soon as he’d leave, love poems would pour out of me like lava erupting from volcanoes. He was a source of pure bliss in my life and my inspiration to write.
I played it cool for over a year: keeping the crazy on the down low, texting once every couple of weeks, and never asking for too much of his time. After a while of posting love poems on my feed and inside jokes on my IG stories for him to like or comment on (AKA the bait), I decided on a big, romantic gesture! I paid tribute to all of the romantic comedies I’d ever seen, and on the last day of 2018 I finally grew some ovaries and asked my guy to be my constant and to give me more of his time, a true commitment and a Social-Media-Worthy relationship.
“No.”
…
I mean… that’s usually not how my favorite rom-com movies play out, but apparently my life isn’t ‘Two Weeks Notice’.
Because of “commitment issues”, being too busy with work, being afraid of “ruining a friendship”, and a number of other reasons that I had counter arguments for (welcome to 2019 where you have to make a case on why a committed relationship isn’t the most outrageous thing in the entire world), my non-boyfriend and I broke up.
My strategy was to do this on the last day of 2018, so that I could start off my new year the right way: drink enough alcohol at the NYE party to forget that I had just gotten dumped by (parted ways with?) someone who wasn’t even my boyfriend- but also to let go of false hope and situationships that were holding me back from being vulnerable with those who were emotionally available.
Fast Forward a couple of weeks: Its a cold, Saturday night and I have plans to go out but I’m stuck at home, laying in bed in a dark, dark, room with my blinds shut and I’m listening to Amy Winehouse sing “Will you still love me tomorrow”. I’m juggling 2 or 3 excuses in my head, wondering which one to use to cancel on my friends.
I take out my phone and start typing:
“Should I just text him? I’m not seeing anyone else… maybe I could have kept it going for a little bit longer? WHY WON’T HE LOVE ME??? My mom thinks he’ll regret it one day!”
“NO!! UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES ARE YOU ALLOWED TO DO THAT- YOU HEAR ME? Now get in an Uber and get your butt here – I don’t care if you show up in your PJ’s.”
Ah. True love! For some miraculous reason I decided to take a shower and leave the apartment. It might have been my friend text-slapping some sense into me- but whatever it was, it got me to the west end of the city around midnight, watching a live Latin band play in a dingy bar. I found myself and a couple of my best friends dancing away to beats played and words sang in a foreign language, and for the first time in a while I genuinely felt like myself.
As I walked through the crowd towards the stage, watching carefully not to spill my drink on anyone, my eyes caught a glimpse of a series of texts on a phone held by the girl right in front of me. She was reading what could have been the history of the Persian Empire: pages and pages of green and grey text boxes! Once she hit sent and submitted her latest essay, she quickly passed her phone onto her friend (as we all do) and for the next 2 songs, this poor girl was scrolling through pages of conversation – with no end in sight.
Sending/ receiving screenshotted convo’s is a healthy part of every friendship (we’ve all got evidence that could ruin lives), but girl… look where you are!!!
I turned to look back: my constants were right there and suddenly I felt at home – knowing I was surrounded by people who genuinely cared about me. People who would be committed to our friendships and to giving me their time. People who would always text back and would never just leave me on “read”. People who would laugh at my silly jokes, and would always listen to me vent about life, and work, and boys, and everything else that I had to say. People I could count on. People who understood me on a deep level, and called me out on my bullshit: my soulmates.
I wanted to shake the girl in front of me – and (text) slap some sense into her.
“Girl, we only have a finite number of days of whatever it is that we’re doing. Who knows how many more nights in our lives we’d get to see a live band play in a dingy bar? Why let our beautiful moments get tainted by words from those that aren’t sure if we fit into their lives? We all have so much to gain from the love of those who are forever and always committed to being by our side! Give all your girls a hug – real hugs and virtual ones. And thank them for talking some sense into you. For telling you that you’re beautiful and funny and talented and worth it – even when you don’t quite believe that you are. For telling you to leave toxic relationships behind, to call your mom, to splurge on those sexy heels. Give your girls a hug for always checking in: they’re your girls, and they’re your true soulmates.”
The Married Girl On Bumble 
Great read as always! Having been in similar situationships I wonder why I can’t be grateful for what he has to offer and not ask for more, instead filling the balance of my time with other things/people that make me equally happy. On the other hand, being brave and letting him know what you need is important. For what it’s worth, you can now give every date you go on a 100% chance and not secretly hope that your situationship will turn into a relationship.
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Wow you took the words right out of my mouth! It took me a while to decide – sometimes I still doubt my decision because his presence in my life brought so much love and joy into it. But my girls told me it’s ok to have healthy standards. I felt I had given him enough time to know if he ever saw an exclusive future with me. I finally decided that I either wanted him wholly or not at all.
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