Relationship boundaries

“Alliteration is for suckers” someone wrote in a Facebook group full of writers.

When did alliteration stop being cool??! As a Millennial, I love a good re-use of resources – be it a steel straw or the occurrence of the same letter or sound at the beginning of adjacent or closely connected words – ie Perfect Persian Princess: Professional Poet.

Ah… I digress.

Anyways… if there’s one thing I’m truly bad at, it’s boundaries.

I guess I’m bad at being direct and not digressing too. (and maybe even writing. Cause alliteration? I’m looking into this one – if it worked for Shakespeare, it’ll work for me. I’m not above Shakespeare).

So that’s like 2 things I’m bad at – not bad, right?

Ok, 2 things if we assume that being a people-pleaser and craving validation from absolute strangers is an admirable quality of course! I almost had a nervous breakdown because I was convinced one of my boyfriend’s cats was mad at me.

Seriously Toos, therapy!

Yeah, still can’t afford it.

Between not being able to afford therapy, having an addictive personality (Candy Crush is my drug of choice), attachment issues (all the assholes I met on Bumble that I thought were my true soulmates) and promising to never lose myself again in a relationship, I’m actually losing my mind.

“I think that’s extremely important and very mature of you. I have total respect for your freedom and would never get in the way if it.” -said this guy I-was-casually-seeing-at-work-although-he-totally-just-became-boyfriend-material.

I’ve seen my boyfriend almost every single day since we became official – 2 blog posts ago. Having boundaries is important, we keep reminding each other, and at this point it’s become a running joke between us. But what are healthy boundaries anyway? Is the amount of time we’re spending together unhealthy? How can I guarantee I won’t lose myself in someone else’s interests, hobbies and lifestyle? Am I obsessing way too hard over being validated and liked by his friends? Is there a formula to how many nights I should stay at my own place and how many of his drawers are occupied with my stuff?

Well, lucky for you (but mostly for me), I skimmed through a few Google searches, and now I feel mildly comfortable writing about it: boundaries are open and honest communication, staying focused on your own growth and recovery, having standards about how you’d like to be treated and defining your own self worth. OK, phew! It literally says nothing about how much time you spend with each other. Thankfully, being honest and vulnerable is one of the many things I’m not bad at. I think writing about my deepest fears, failed marriage, and hopeless love stories has helped a lot with that.

Here’s one for being raw and completely exposed: I definitely saw jealousy as a reoccurring word on the “unhealthy” list of all those Google searches I skimmed through, but I’m gonna conveniently ignore it for now.

Speaking of unhealthy things, that one question I used to ask myself during the last few months of my marriage is back: “If you only had 6 more months to live, would you want to spend it with this person?”

This time the answer is yes, yes, a million times yes!

Death has become my standard unit of measurement for happiness (kinda dark, but I like it). So if the thought of the world ending gives you relief (let’s face it, could be any day now), perhaps you’re not surrounding yourself with the right crowd/ partner/ friend/ job. If the thought of the world ending gets you excited to pack a bag, grab the two cats (yes, even Captain Pancakes who doesn’t like you very much) and go on an unknown journey with the person that makes you laugh, brings out the best in you, and makes you feel liberated and loved at the same time, then perhaps those boundaries are somehow working for you – wherever you’ve decided to draw them!