If you’re a professional yo-yo dieter (15 years and counting bitches) then you know all about cheat days.
You know: when you’ve been off-carbs and sugar for a few weeks and want to treat yourself because you’re SO proud that your underwear finally fits, or that you can climb one stair without losing your breath, or your little black dress doesn’t look like it’s got your belly held hostage like a sack of potatoes.
You’re on your game: The texture of bread is only a faint, pleasant memory in your mind. Your water drinking game is so strong that your pee is as clear as crystals. You feel great because your curves are where they’re supposed to be and full-body mirror selfies are great again!
You post a before and after photo on Instagram to show people your gym selfies are finally paying off… You feed off the “Wow!! You look great, keep it up! ” DM energy that the cute guy you know from high school sends, and you’re fucking invincible!
That’s when you enter the dangerzone and the thought of delicious junk food slowly creeps in: louder than before, with logic and reason to back it up. You think to yourself “Damn I look gewd! What harm could one slice of pizza cause? #YOLO” , and so every sign in the universe points out to how much you deserve to have that slice of pizza. After much deliberation with yourself and thinking “I’ll just work-out twice tomorrow”, you finally repress the guilt and decide to go for it.
Okay, that metaphor took a life of it’s own, perhaps because it hits too close to home, so let’s rein it back in to what I’m actually talking about: cheating on my dating cleanse!
Here’s my logic behind why I broke my dating fast:
I’ve done so well in the last couple of weeks! I’m an independent woman who don’t need no man. Although the lack of validation’s got me seriously depressed and thinking I may need to see a therapist after all… “I STILL deserve a night out! What’s so terribly wrong with having a little fun once in a while? I really want to try this new restaurant and I think it’s the perfect date spot! It’s just a simple dinner. Harmless!” So you get yourself ready mentally and confirm the time and place with your date.
Is it really a date if you’re not officially back on the Dating Apps? (Yes. The answer is yes). You conveniently forget to tell any of your close friends or your mom until the day of, because you secretly detest everyone going “WHAT ABOUT THE CLEANSE????” on you as if you’re committing a crime. But then you’re all “DUDE I WAS ON A FUCKING CLEANSE FOR LIKE 5 YEARS IN A MISERABLE MARRIAGE” and you pass the guilt on quickly as if it’s a game of hot mess potato, because that’s a super healthy way of dealing with your emotions (seriously… anyone know a good shrink?).
Walking home a little buzzed after a work event, you notice caution tapes around the restaurant that you’re supposed to dine at tonight. The security guard (seeing you eye the place in despair) tells you the place caught on fire and is closed down until further notice… You look at the time and think, there’s still two hours left – because dating is all about false hope!!
Caution Tapes – how ironically appropriate. “Is that a sign from the universe?” Your group chat confirms that it is.
But your fatass voice is now waaaaay louder than the logical one, and it is causing a major scene. YOU’VE ALREADY MADE YOUR DECISION. HAVE THE GODDAMN SLICE OF PIZZA YOU DESERVE IT!
So you go on your date and slowly it all comes back to you: that slice of pizza looks different in person than it did on the menu. You take a bite and the grease is making you feel a little sick. It taste like plain cardboard. It’s all way too carb-heavy and instead of making you feel better it’s making you feel worse about yourself. Maybe you should have gone for the classic Big Mac instead… That’s life on the cleanse diet: some cheats are worth it and some really aren’t.
On your way back as you pass the caution tapes, you think to yourself “there’s an infinite number of menu items out there – you just gotta find the one that makes you feel great and maybe not so guilty!”
The Married Girl On Bumble 