Eclipse

I experienced my first Solar Eclipse a week after my 11th birthday. It was a hot August day in Tehran and I remember 2 things clearly:

Wide-eyes glowing from excitement I asked my mom about the cartoons.

-“I think they want to distract people from looking at the sun directly.” She explained.

“Girl… your blogs are getting more and more vague these days. If you don’t have anything to say maybe writing a blog isn’t your thing?” You might say. Or maybe I’m projecting my own insecurities onto you, in which case I’d have to apologize. I’m going through some stuff right now.

Fast forward 2 decades later… Same naive girl at a different stage of her life in a totally different environment; she even thinks and speaks in a different language. But if you tell her she’s not allowed to do something or she’ll get SERIOUSLY hurt, you better have a THOUSAND different things to distract her with… or she’d go blind.

That’s why we have dating apps. And murder shows to binge on. And alcohol and junk food and cute guys at work.

“Thank god for the booze and junk food”. *I say to myself quietly as I take a big gulp out of my vodka tonic glass (we were out of gin) and toss the 99 cent kimchi-flavored instant noodle bowl that I just killed into the garbage can beside my bed and wipe my mouth off with my sleeve.* “Why am I single again??”

Strip a girl from her dating apps and the fuckboys and you’ve got her desperately downing handfuls of Vitamin D (literal vitamin D) with her coffee on a daily basis to avoid spiraling into depression.

Instant noodle is a warning sign that you’re about to hit rock bottom. And so is drinking alone… Unless you’re using it to write of course… Then it’s classy as fuck! I’ve had a couple of rough weeks. I’ve been hit with a few reality checks, and I don’t do well with change (I’d like to think immigration was enough of a change to deal with for a lifetime). I have no distractions. I’ve stripped myself from all sorts of validations and going through serious withdrawals. So I write. Writing forces me look at things that make me uncomfortable and this cleanse has me focused on things that aren’t necessarily pleasant to stare at. Will I ever find comfort and trust? Will my cynical ass ever find true love? Will I ever get to have kids of my own? Will I be okay if I don’t? Will I ever have the patience to do it all over again? Will I learn not to settle? So I look at my phone and think… maybe I should message him. But I don’t.

Let’s all agree as a society that there should be a public service announcement (preferably once you turn 30) that tells you: “don’t look directly at how fucked up you are. You might get hurt” I’m happy to coordinate – just tell me who I need to speak to.

The Eclipse, also known as an early mid-life crisis is inevitable. I stare into the darkness. I see the process as it takes over me and I feel it getting darker and darker around me. There’s no epic music accompanying this eclipse, no one around to witness it with me. I’m standing alone, looking at this “thing” take over me. I panic, wanting so bad to hold onto something. Maybe it’s time to let go of the distractions for a bit.

It scares me… not knowing how long it will last. In very small intervals it makes me miss my rainy, cold, dark, cloudy past life. At least there was consistency. At least it wasn’t pure darkness.

But I shake it off. Let the darkness hit me like a wave. Stand still. It can never be worse than what it used to be. Ever.

At least you can write. Or attempt to. Take it a minute at a time. Let the darkness wash over you. Look at it: it is beautiful in it’s own way. Be somber for a little while. and let the tears falls down. Don’t hold anything back. Just write. And breathe. Look: you can still see the rays of sunshine behind all that darkness. It’s a beautiful phenomenon.