“Wait, how can I be a fuckboy when I don’t even know what a fuckboy is?” – said every fuckboy ever.
Well, I’ve been reading up on this Millennial phenomenon and can give you some context, in case you’ve been #blessed and god has protected you from such demons with the good hair. Thanks to numerous legit blog posts, lists, people’s comments, and various dictionary websites plus my own valuable, extensive background and experience on the matter, I can give you the lowdown on the lowlife:
1. He makes you feel like you’re the greatest thing that has ever walked this earth, but in reality he is a selfish piece of sh*t.
a. You’ve never been to his place
c. You may have gone on one or 2 proper dates (the rest are either ‘chilling sessions’ where you have to pay for your own coffee or… girl, you’re a single, grown woman and you gotta make sure your needs are met. I’m not judging)
d. well… D
e. He tells you he’s emotionally unavailable and not looking for a relationship – because either he just got out of one, or got hurt by a girl in his kindergarten class and can’t seem to trust any other girl (even though you seem different), or is just too busy with work and is in the midst of moving… blah blah blah
3. The words “commitment”, “relationship” or “boyfriend” cause him more anxiety than getting less than 100 likes on his latest topless Instagram post.
4. He protects/checks his phone like it’s a ticking time-bomb and it could go off any minute if he doesn’t text all these other girls in time.
It doesn’t matter what you’re looking for girl, but don’t date a fuckboy! Even if you’re not looking for something serious. The mind games are enough to make you go fucking insane. And if you’re a weak ass bitch like I am, and words make your heart melt and make you feel all gooey inside, then I’m gonna have to put you down for some Adele songs, prescribe a few girls night outs, and ask you get on that excessive swiping action on Bumble, Tinder, and all the rest of them apps on your phone.
- Not showing up to things that matter to you, but then making it up to you the next day (where no one can see you actually hanging out and there are no photos/ proof of you actually “talking”). You’ll have a kick-ass time and will forgive him about 87% – because you can’t get over his stunning jawline and this feels like a perfect summer date that you could tell your future kids about. Bruh…
- Commenting on your weight, and/or the way you wear your hair or make-up. You’re like BITCH HOLD UP WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY? Because #feminist. But then he says he’s just being honest and telling you what everyone’s thinking and that at least it’ll help you with your confidence?! But also he LOVES your hair so much and he thinks you should wear it down because it’s so naturally beautiful. Mind. Fucked.
- No affection – no hand holding, no selfie taking, no playing with your (as mentioned above) gorgeous hair, very little hugs or embraces in general – oh and it’s all “on purpose” because that’s all too “relationship-like” and we’ve decided we don’t want that. Sigh.
- “You’re talking to other guys? Do I know them? What’s the deal with that guy? What are you hiding on your phone? I don’t care, I’d go on a date and you should too if you really want to.” Mixed messages aaaaaaaaaaaall around. Ugh.
First sign you’re dating a fuckboy – your friends don’t like him. The sweeter you try to make him sound, the douchier he gets. You’ve got desperate puppy eyes trying to explain that he’s actually really nice to you: “but it’s White and Gold guys!!!”
They’re not impressed.
Girl – snap out of it! You’re waaaay too busy swooning all over his gorgeously tanned/built body to realize he’s no good for you. Stop thinking about your beautiful mixed babies … with gorgeous eyes and long, thick lashes, and their beautiful caramel skin color… Oops.. HaHaHa
-“So.. What did you do this weekend Toos?”
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Holy shit he’s beautiful Toos! Good for you!!!
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Oh… That’s kinda weird that he did that… Just be careful
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We love you and support whatever makes you happy… We don’t want to see you get hurt
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HE DID WHAT????? GIRL, HE’S CANCELED.
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You and your eyebrows deserve better than this! You are a beautiful fucking unicorn girl! He better sleep with one eye open at night.
Next time you get a “You Up?” text, leave him on seen and sleep on his insecure, motherfucking ass.
*thinks about messaging him*
OK, Okaaaaaaaaaaaay I’m going! #boybye
The Married Girl On Bumble 