“but moooooooom, I rarely ever get mad. I can’t just let this anger go to waste! I gotta use it for my art“
Here’s me not taking my mom’s advice and disappointing a friend who’d rather read about “The Anatomy of a F*ckboy”. I’ll write about that one too, I promise. But first, picture this: It’s a hot June day in the summer of 2017 and I’m off work for a week because I’m going through a separation.
“I gotchyo back girl” – my mom says, but like in Farsi and in a more appropriate dialect. “Dontchu worry about a thing – Imma call the whole fam jam and explain.” (I don’t know why I’m making my Persian mom sound like a millennial meme-generator on Instagram). She won’t let a soul feel an ounce of pity for her strong, independent daughter. She’s my ride or die and I’m forever grateful!
“She seems happy” – my mom speaking A LOT louder than she needs to on the phone with my aunt … We’re all still a little stuck in the early 2000’s where you’d yell at the top of your lungs because you were on a long-distance call. It’s one of the only things we’ve held on to. #nostalgia
“MOM! I AM happy. I don’t just seem it”
“I’m just worried that one day you’ll wake up and you’ll regret this”
I hid a lot from my parents during my marriage, and it made sense that they thought I might have doubts after leaving. And so when I moved back home last year, it was real and raw conversations for daaaays.
I have never, not for a second, regretted my decision – but I do look through my past a lot and more often than not, it feels like a nightmare, or a scary movie. It feels like anything BUT reality – especially my reality.
The following passage is me making sense of my past and angrily typing on my keyboard. It’s raw and it’s vulnerable and it’s my reality:
“When we stand (or in the case of the middle-easterners, sit) in front of all of our loved ones in our gorgeous white dresses and expensive suits, promising to love each other for better or worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health (or any variation of those words), do we actually know what we’re promising to do “til death do us part”?
In sickness doesn’t just mean the “sniffles”. It doesn’t mean a bowl of hot soup that you try to cook for the first couple of times then resort to ordering it off an App.
For worse, doesn’t just mean a shitty day that you can fix with flowers and a warm hug.
For poorer, doesn’t just mean another credit card debt.
In sickness could mean living with someone with extreme depression and social anxiety. It means never being able to try new things or going to that restaurant around the corner that just opened. It means going to parties and gatherings by yourself – always with an excuse. It means hiding your own anxiety. It means smiling through sleepless nights. It means lying to your parents and your friends.
For worse could mean screaming matches, door slams, and deafening silences. It means curtains closed: darkness. It means garbage piling up from the night-after-night of takeouts. It means no traces of a home-cooked meal, or love.
For poorer could mean going out with your best friend and not knowing if your dinner bill will get approved on your card. It means not being able to do the little things that make you happy – like getting your nails done. It means secret loans that you don’t know about.
It’s an on-going struggle and battle, not knowing when it’s time to call it quits. Am I a horrible person for not wanting to love someone who can’t seem to love themselves? How responsible am I for this person’s well-being? How long can I fight for this, before I drown in the same sea of despair? So I repeat this question once more – but for the last time “if I only had 6 more months to live, would I still choose this life?”
Ironic – isn’t it? It’s not “til death do us part” anymore. Death becomes a concept or a device of measuring my own happiness. And this time I choose to be selfish.
The biggest takeaway from my marriage is that the pressure and the responsibility of someone else’s happiness can destroy you. Unfortunately we’ve come to accept that the foundation of a healthy relationship lies in the sacrifices we make in order to make our partners happy. It’s a vicious cycle of sacrifices that destroys us, things that we take for granted, white lies, and an obligation to stay together through the thick and thin.
Oops… I feel like that got really dark!
In the usual fashion of The Married Girl on Bumble, I’d like to end on a positive and an inspirational note: Of course relationships are beautiful when they’re filled with love, honesty, and unity. What better example than my own parents who have taught me the meaning of true love! Married for 40 years and still say “I love you” Every. Single. Day.
However, this therapy session has been a especially difficult one, so I’m going to cheat a little and get a better writer with a better outlook on the world to finish it off strong.
According to Kris Gage, the most important thing in a relationship is emotional stability. “Healthy relationships do not start from a standpoint of “scarcity,” “shortage,” or “something missing.” Contrary to popular cliches, they are not about finding our “other half,” or someone to “complete” us. Healthy relationships are built only with people who are already complete going in.
And even the other biggies — communication, trust, respect, etc. — will come along afterwards, fluidly and organically, if emotional stability is well-nurtured. If you do not love yourself entirely and actively ensure your own needs are met, you will find it difficult to do the same for others. We cannot ask others to manage our feelings of insecurity, jealousy, anxiety, fear, anger, toxicity, defensiveness; these are first ours to handle.”
OK that was magnificently written and I’m now inspired to talk about love and beautiful things again: It’s perhaps the most cliche statement in the world. It’s been beaten to death and written an infinite number of times: on bathroom stalls and ancient poetry books. Its been written down in journals and carved on high school lockers. It’s been said by YouTubers, written in scripts, and said by famous Hollywood actors. It has been talked about in podcasts and mentioned in blogs – so it must be true: Just love yourself and the rest will fall into place!
Iranian-Canadian, 30 year old girl who is trying to figure it all out, one swipe at a time!
View all posts by Atoosa
Published
2 thoughts on “In Sickness and In Health”
“It means no traces of a home-cooked meal, or love.”
lol that was pretty funny. Your writing is quite emotive and has the tint of your voice in it. knowing yo, i can hear you expressing these ideas. I agree with u that we are not after our soulmate, and that we are not responsible for the other’s well-being. i mean we can give advice and help if they are getting better but we can’t control other people, usually our help stops them from getting better in the first place, since the decision to get better is itself a psychological event that is necessarily unconditional (im not doing just for my wife). but i think whether it is with friends or lovers, what makes them worthwhile isn’t that they were there for me in hard times, but are they able to make you develop and transform from what you were before, in a way they are people who help you flourish. we often feel the only test of our character is how much we are willing to take other people’s problems. i wanna hear about the fuck boy as well. (hoping its not me)
A lot of my writing has been inspired by our talks. I think you can see where the inspiration comes from. When we first talked, I was newly seperated and you had been for a while already. Even though I hated everything you stood for in regards to relationships, I find myslef somewhat in the same boat after a year. It’s not you… But thinking about it now a bit more.. And you’re checking off the boxes lol
The Married Girl On Bumble 
“It means no traces of a home-cooked meal, or love.”
lol that was pretty funny. Your writing is quite emotive and has the tint of your voice in it. knowing yo, i can hear you expressing these ideas. I agree with u that we are not after our soulmate, and that we are not responsible for the other’s well-being. i mean we can give advice and help if they are getting better but we can’t control other people, usually our help stops them from getting better in the first place, since the decision to get better is itself a psychological event that is necessarily unconditional (im not doing just for my wife). but i think whether it is with friends or lovers, what makes them worthwhile isn’t that they were there for me in hard times, but are they able to make you develop and transform from what you were before, in a way they are people who help you flourish. we often feel the only test of our character is how much we are willing to take other people’s problems. i wanna hear about the fuck boy as well. (hoping its not me)
LikeLike
A lot of my writing has been inspired by our talks. I think you can see where the inspiration comes from. When we first talked, I was newly seperated and you had been for a while already. Even though I hated everything you stood for in regards to relationships, I find myslef somewhat in the same boat after a year. It’s not you… But thinking about it now a bit more.. And you’re checking off the boxes lol
LikeLike