Kintsukuroi

It’s been EXACTLY ONE YEAR since I packed my bags and left. North America and I share the same freedom anniversary!

There must be something about the end of June/beginning of July that makes you want to say “fuuuuuuuuuuuuck this shit. I’m outta here!” Maybe it’s the beautiful weather, or the birds chirping in the sky (which is actually their desperate attempt to get laid), but whatever it is, it smells like Maples Leaves, Bald Eagles, and Divorce Papers and I gotta say I’m super grateful!

I’ve never actually mentioned why I got on Bumble. I mean, we all know about the separation, but there was a series of events that lead to me giving up on life and getting on a dating App.

 

Ready for some mind-blowing secrets? I’m handing them out like candy today:

I had this massive crush on someone I had no business having a crush on. It was an innocent crush. A crush I would have NEVER acted upon no matter how much alcohol was involved or how great an opportunity I had. It was a sad crush. One that broke my heart and made me feel helpless and hopeless. Wait… at what point do you cross the line between having a crush on someone or being desperately in love with them? Asking for myself. Anyway – I had to snap out of it.

 

I got set up to go on a date by a concerned friend. I was single and had to get over this thing.

“First-date-guy” was pretty awesome! He was WAAAY out of my league, so naturally the CRAZY switch got flipped on (guys… I didn’t even know I had a crazy switch until then). I ended up overthinking the whole situation and fucked it up with such proficiency as if my life depended on it. I took all the wrong steps, said all the wrong words, and did the most unimaginable, cringe-worthy things (like that one time I liked one of his Instagram photos from 4 months ago to let him know I was creeping his profile on PURPOSE. Or that one night I was bored at home and kept texting him over and over again. Ooooh and all those times I looked on FB to see how long ago he was active and if he would ever message me) and within a couple of weeks when I didn’t hear back from him, I was feeling shittier than before. I’m not saying I can relate, but I totally understand how within a span of 4 days, Romeo and Juliet became responsible for the death of half of the population of Verona. They could have handled the situation much better, and frankly, so could I… At least with mine no one got murdered. Except for my dignity.

I’ve had a few months to reflect and now I know there were a combination of things that made my demons come out: clinging to something so desperately and immediately after a failed marriage, going into it with ZERO dating experience, and the fact that I felt like I needed to live up to someone who was cooler and way more successful than I was (am I giving him too much credit? He ended up ghosting me.) He’s cancelled.

Recap: went on a date to get over crush, went off the fucking rails, then gave up on life and downloaded Bumble to get over the guy that ghosted me.

 

So here we are… over a span of a year that involved dozens of dates, a few ghostings, some incredibly liberating travel stories and a number of blog posts, and we’ve got a smarter, more sophisticated, still single, more confident Atoosa. One that doesn’t need to hide behind an App and can carry a conversation in real life! #win

Truth is, I couldn’t have met “First-date-guy” at a worse time in my life even if I had tried, but as traumatizing as that experience was, it lead to some soul searching and growth.

What changed during the span of a year? I often say that my previous life seems like it was a lifetime ago and I think that’s because I’ve been incredibly lucky to have experienced so much: I’ve traveled to a bunch of places, have met some really awesome people, did things that scared me (like Improv class and writing a blog), and was forced to look at life through a completely different lens. It’s been by far the greatest year of my life. If I had to squeeze it all into a single word, it would be “Confidence” – and that’s the greatest change I’ve seen in myself.

‘Today Me’ probably wouldn’t have even wanted to hang out with ‘Last Year Me’. I was broken, insecure, confused and inexperienced. But there’s absolutely no shame in being broken! If there’s one thing I know for certain, is that Japanese people have it all figured out – they seem to have a word for everything:

So take risks, hear the birds chirp, smell the freedom, and NEVER be afraid of a little damage – it looks good on you. “The wound is where the light enters”. – Rumi