What type of a guy are you looking for?
“No serial killers, because the bar is most definitely on the floor at the moment.”
Someone must have thrown the bar down the moldy basement in a moment of pure frustration. They must have stomped on, and screamed at it in a rage after going on zero dates even though they’re on 3 dating Apps simultaneously and flirt with anything that moves (as long as they’re single). By someone I meant myself… but I think that was implied.
That started out as a joke but it’s become my go-to answer when my friends ask me what type of a guy I’m looking for, every time I complain about the trash landfill that is the dating pool.
“No serial killers” is my mantra. I personally think it’s a great place to start. At least it shows that I’ve got some sort of morals, and that’s important.
“haha… right! But what’re your 5 must-haves? Everyone’s got to have a list of 5 qualities that filters through the masses”
Having been inspired by the Royal Wedding, I quickly come up with my 5: red hair, lives in a castle in the UK, knows the queen, is super rich and is into colored girls?
OK so apparently there aren’t any more British princes left, so I need to think about this question seriously: what kind of a guy am I looking for? How about if we start with a list of what I’m not looking for? I’m a typical Persian princess who knows what she doesn’t want (except when it comes to food. I almost always know what I want to eat).
“No Persian guys!” I’ve only ever had Persian boyfriends/husbands and that clearly has never worked out for me. They’re incredible human beings, but I’m just not compatible with them in any way.
A couple of months of horrible dating experiences that go nowhere, and I think to myself “maybe I’ll consider dating Persians guys that have lived outside of Iran for as long as I have.” *Slightly opens up the pool for equal opportunity* – yes, I’m a social justice angel!
My second most important ‘must-not-have’ is a guy that is younger than myself”. I’ve only ever dated/married guys that were somewhere between 5-10 years older than me. (I don’t think I have daddy issues -even though a palm reader alongside a canal in London once told me that I do. I wonder what “daddy issues” look like on the palm of one’s hand. Maybe I should have mentioned I was a leftie – would that have changed anything?!)
“You should try dating younger guys! They are so much more respectful”
–“Does it feel like I’m babysitting though????!!”
“Oh my god, not at all!! They’re incredibly hot, gentlemanly, and surprisingly have their shit together!”
A few more weeks of being on dating Apps and not finding the right fit, and my age range preference on my dating profile goes from ‘32-40′ to like ‘27-44′? #equalopportunity #socialjusticewarrior #givingthemallachance #cougar
“Never date a drummer. They sleep with everyone!”
“Don’t EVER go out with a DJ. They’re always partying, doing drugs and cheating on you”
“Date guys with single mothers. They know how to treat a woman.”
“Don’t date an only child and NEVER date an only son with multiple sisters. They’re spoiled”
“Date funny guys! Appearances fade but funny is forever”
I get all kinds of advice from happily-married friends and family.
“You’re a professional at picking the wrong guy.”
I also get all kinds of comments about how I’m doing -thanks to all my friends for keeping it real with me!
I’m beginning to think that being on dating Apps is a waste of time and money. Just thinking about putting myself out there to be judged is exhausting. All of that effort into looking “effortless” with the make-up, the hair and the outfits – only to get to my first-date and have to listen to a guy ramble on about how his crazy ex-girlfriend cheating on him with his roommate has caused him “major trust issues”!
So… Maybe it’s time for a break? If you’re not hitting snooze on those dating Apps to just “focus on yourself for a while” (whatever that means…) then chances are you’re a potential serial killer. Please stay away.
Thankfully, my mom is also on board the Time-Out train once I finish telling her about yet another frustrating date on my way into work.
“Don’t rush into anything again (she emphasizes again). Take your time! You’ve got at least 5 more years to meet someone. Look at you – walking downtown in your heels to your fancy office job, doing what you love, while finding the time to write and live your best life! I’m so proud of you!!”
–“OK, that’s super sweet mom, and I love you for saying that, but I want to have a family. I’m afraid your math isn’t quite adding up.”
“Just let it happen organically – don’t force it. Don’t go out of your way looking for it. It’ll happen when it’s right”
Nothing frustrates a single guy/girl on the hunt for “the one” more than hearing this from people in committed, happy relationships! I so desperately want to believe in miracles – but it’s hard when you’re a cynical, almost 30-year-old, separated woman.
The problem is that everyone’s baggage is getting bigger. We’re becoming way more selfish, more picky and more judgmental. We rarely give each other a chance beyond a first or second date. We don’t even have the time or patience to let the nerves settle in! We’re so eager to see who’s next! We’re picking favorites and cancelling dates last minute to give this other person a chance – and we do it all with confidence because we believe we don’t owe anybody shit!
I’m tired of playing the dating game. I’d like to sit out on the bench for a little while until I forget that it’s all about winning. So among all the great advice that I’ve received from my friends, family, and strangers, I think I’ll go with my mom’s advice on finding love: maybe I’ll stop looking for it, and let it find me for once. I’m not deleting any Apps, because I’m still The Married Girl on Bumble after-all, but I rather catch up over a glass of wine with a friend, instead of worrying about impressing a guy that will leave me on read after a mediocre second date.
The Married Girl On Bumble 