The “F” Word

“You’re such a FOB. People usually run away from the boat but you chase it” – this is an exact quote from a friend re my marriage to an Iranian guy that I brought to Canada – you can’t make this shit up!

I now embrace my FOBness with all my being, because I’ve never been this comfortable with who I am as a person. I have wonderful friends who love me for my quirks, weird pronunciation of some words (such as quirks), who find my background fascinating and can’t wait to try my mom’s homemade Persian food.

I got carried away with Hollywood and totally forgot we’re supposed to be talking about dating Apps…

I rarely ever swipe right on Persian guys – the very few times I have done it, I’ve come to regret it instantly.

Here’s what this perfect storm usually looks like: They’re attractive, they’re either doctors or lawyers (this one’s for my parents), and seem to be involved or at least interested in the creative fields.

Here’s what happens once we match (and we match about 95% of the time):

Persian guys tend to get overly sexual, immediately after matching with you. If you don’t play along, they’ll call you a typical Persian girl, will tell you that you’re a prude, and that you just care too much about what other people think.

If you compliment a Persian guy, he’ll say something like “I know”. Most of them are INCREDIBLY self-centered, with the self-confidence that could only come out of a 2 year old after using the potty on his own for the first time.

In their defense, it’s not entirely their fault. Persian moms have raised and treated their boys like god-sent angels for hundreds of years, whispering in their ears from a young age that they’re the greatest thing that has ever graced this world. Persian boys are called “doodool tala” – which directly translates to “golden penis”. Here’s a “Doodool Tala” talking about doodool tala’s for your reference https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lQmJlw483eE

The back-and forth banter is SO different with a Persian guy. I feel like they don’t get my humor. Once I was complaining about being on dating Apps (on Bumble…) with this Persian guy and he said something along the lines of hating to “put on a show” when he goes on dates. He also mentioned that dating was exhausting and expensive – to which I was super sympathetic about. Then I casually said, “well – you wouldn’t have to put on a show for me. I’m easy going and there’s no pressure to impress each other if we go out. Just a couple of people grabbing coffee.” He LOST his shit on me! First he called me “sweetie” (CRINGE) and went on a rant about how I was accusing him of being “fake” um… what? So I got angry, called him a typical Persian guy (to boil his blood) told him he’s disrespectful and then deleted and blocked him.

I’ve only ever dated one Persian guy since being separated. Persian guys are hard to resist because they give you what you need: all the attention in the world! They sweet talk you the way their mothers have sweet-talked them. They buy you cute things, pay for dinner and drinks, and become jealous if you talk to other guys.

Things were going really well until one day we were on the phone (oh yeah, Persian guys prefer phone calls over text. So romantic and old school) and I mentioned that I was a feminist and all about female empowerment. He said “I get that you like equality. But can you not use the “F” word when you’re talking about it?”

To Iranian men, Feminism is a dangerous, contagious disease that they avoid like the plague.

Sometimes I feel like no one gets me. I’ve got this rich cultural background that is SUCH a huge part of my identity – but hard to explain to non-Iranian guys. Then there’s this other part of me that’s quirky, funny, creative, and all about female empowerment, that most Iranian boys don’t seem to understand. There’s a disconnect everywhere I look: a missing piece.

I just want someone to play with my hair and tell me I’m SMART, FUNNY, and maybe beautiful too… because I’m a typical Persian girl.