Accept my rose dammit!

when the first season of The Bachelor came out, I didn’t know enough English to watch it and be able to follow the story. By the time the second season had rolled out, I had become an angsty teenager with an attitude and a better vocabulary. I watched the show religiously, and by that I mean my super conservative parents were there too and they changed the channel every time things got heated. Looking back, a lot of the details from the show are hazy. For instance, I’m not quite sure if the fantasy suite is a newer concept or if it’s been a part of the show forever. The sexual chemistry was so perfectly censored by my mom’s TV remote skills that you might think the guy/ girl was picking a bff.

Back then The Bachelor/ Bachelorette universe seemed exceptionally bizarre to me, but now I feel like I’m on a reality TV show of my own minus the perfect hair and the lash extensions.

I know how this sounds… You’re probably thinking I’m dating/ talking to a bunch of guys who are all amazing, but one is secretly evil and wants to be with me for all the wrong reasons, and you’re all hoping I pick the right one.

‘Fraid not.

Although I would be a great source of (unintentional) comedy as a contestant on The Bachelor, I never would have made it on the show. So I got the next best thing: a chance to download a few dating apps on my phone and talk to multiple people at the same time who are also talking to multiple people at the same time, who are also talking to… You get the point. We’re all essentially dating each other.

The rest of this Blog is basically a comparison essay between The Bachelor and The Married Girl on Bumble. I’d like to take this opportunity and show my mom and dad (who wanted me to go to law school), that I’m putting my English degree to good use!!

Here are the pros and cons of not finding love on a TV show:

Pros:

1. Thankfully my guys don’t all live in the same house.
2. We only go on one-on-one dates
3. I don’t know who the other girls are and I don’t have to live with them either.
4. I get to keep my phone at all times, and to tell everyone as soon as I’m kicked out of the shit show.

Cons:

1. Unfortunately we don’t have producers setting up uniquely weird dates. This sucks because no one ever knows what they want to do on a date.
2. I don’t get my 15 minutes of fame
3. I don’t have hundreds of thousands of Instagram followers who could buy slimming tea/ hair vitamins for a cut of the profit
4. There are no all-inclusive vacations on a sexy beach

Other than the constant thirst for attention and the need to be validated, there’s another, stronger factor that hits a bit close to home when I compare my dating life to Rose Central: wanting to win the Grand Prize. I see the Bachelor the same way I see all the other competition shows like America’s Got Talent, The Voice, American Idol and The Amazing Race (I’m a cable cutter and I’m just hoping that at least some of these examples are still relevant). The prize doesn’t matter: It could be a million dollar record deal, a cover and 6 page spread in Vogue magazine (where are my ANTM fans at? #smize), some social media followers, a wife, and in my case a boyfriend!

I recently went on a 3rd date. I’m ashamed to say I was a bit hungover from partying too hard the night before. It was a low-key date: we watched a game and the team we were rooting for lost. My migraine (caused by extreme dehydration, caused by 5 gin and tonics the night before) in combination with the fact that his favorite team got cut from the series left me feeling a bit deflated. Overall it kind of felt… meh. As I got into my $10000 Uber ride (Markham-bound), all I really looked forward to was my extra strength Advil, some orange Gatorade, and my comfy bed.

Were we both just having a shitty day? How do you know if you actually like someone or you if you just want to win? Do I genuinely like this person, or do I just want something to work out for once, to prove to myself that I am lovable?

Third-date-guy is really funny and sweet and our back-and forth banter is fun. I got excited about spending time with him but I won’t be totally surprised if he decides that he doesn’t want to see me again. Despite my unhealthy habit of needing to be loved by everyone, if I don’t get a rose this time, I’ll gracefully get in the limo and I’ll look in the camera with a genuine smile and will wish him all the best.

Here’s one way The Bachelor is different than being The Married Girl Bumble: at no point in my life will Chris Harrison walk in as I nervously stare at two framed pictures, asking me to make a tough decision. I’ve got an infinite number of roses to give away!!! If you thought choosing between 26 handsome, physically built, non-carb-eating rich boys was hard, try being on at least two dating Apps: your options are practically endless!

Thanks for being on this journey with me. I’d like to welcome you all to my rose ceremony: I’m making it rain!

*update: third-date-guy would like to continue dating casually. GUYS I’ve never made it this far! Keep your expectations low and you’ll never be disappointed!