Profile Pet Peeves

Here is a top 10 list of all the things that go through my filter before I’m conveniently ghosted by you: – I AM IMMEDIATELY SWIPING LEFT:

1. If your profile bio says “38 countries and counting”. How in the hell can you afford to travel so much? Who approves your time off? Are you a drug dealer??? Are you accepting applications? You do you boo. I’m secretly jealous of your life. But I won’t be able to keep up with your cool lifestyle and will most definitely get bored of hearing you talk about that one time you met that one famous person (who I pretend to be impressed about but have to Google later) and how he gave you a high five while you were stranded in the desert and were miraculously saved by some clueless tourist.
2. “Don’t be the worst/ don’t be crazy” WTF does that even mean?? You are the worst and YOU DRIVE EVERYONE INSANE!! You’re insecure, sexist and misogynistic and I already hate you. I hope you stay in the swiping purgatory forever.
3. “Just ask”. Can you get any more boring???? Show some personality. Entertain me dude I live in Markham and this is all I have!! I rather read the back of my shampoo bottle than look at your profile.
4. Your full name isn’t on your profile and you only have one blurry sketchy photo. We all know you’re cheating. GTFO
5. Pictures with sedated tigers? Just no. Nothing says you’re a strong, confident guy like taking a photo with a sedated animal. I’m going to assume you live under a rock and that you’re automatically a racist piece of sh*t too.
6. If your first 3 photos are group shots, I’m swiping left. Listen, we all know this is a shitty way to meet people (or the love of your life or whatever). It’s judgy and superficial but you can’t bring your friends to our first date. I wanna know what you look like.
7. If you say you’re funny, then I’m assuming that you’re not. Show, don’t tell. There are an infinite number of things that you could say to make me laugh. Nothing is worse than a person who thinks they’re funny. Funny people are insecure about their sense of humor.
8. Spelling. It’s literally 3 lines. Get it right – please! If you don’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re” then I can’t depend on you for shit.
9. If your bio is just emojis I’m swiping (left emoji) (bye emoji) (no thanks emoji) (You’re overdoing it emoji) (see what I did there emoji) (I could go on forever emoji)
10. I’m swiping left if your profile consists of nothing but selfies. Have your friends or your mom take a photo of you. If you’re a guy with 5 selfies on his profile I’m assuming you have no friends or family. I get it: you work really hard for that hot body, but one half-naked gym selfie gets the point across. If the shirtless photo is your first one on your profile I’ll immediately assume that you’re shallow and don’t like food because if it looks like we can’t watch The Bachelor while stuffing our face with pizza then what even is the point?

This is obviously just my preference. I’m sure some girls are into the tigers and the overdone gym selfies. The swiping life ain’t easy. Whenever I match with someone I immediately go back and creep MY OWN profile! Having a perfect profile is a rare entity; It’s where science, art, and language come together to create beauty! Put a bit more effort into it. Oh and I forgot to say that this is the easy part. Good luck with all the convos that will die, all the dates that will go horribly wrong, and all the “it’s not you, it’s me’s” that follow.

May the odds be in your favor.