“How is everyone having a shit time”, and other concerns

When you’re the first person out of your whole group of friends to get married, 2 things happen:

1. You’re sort of pressuring everyone else into doing it (not you personally. It’s the social pressure)

2. You lose touch with your single friends – and if you’re as unlucky as I am, all your other friends and relatives (it’s all good now guys. Working on rebuilding those relationships. #blessed to have supportive friends and family)

So when after 5 years of pretending to have a happy life you deconstruct that notion for everyone around you, you suddenly feel alone. You notice all your other friends are in “happy”, committed relationships. I use quotation marks because I know what’s up. (Yes, still bitter and cynical about marriage, so sue me. Actually hold off on that. I literally just paid $600 in fees for divorce related paperwork.)

Once you’re out and free from the pressure to look happy, you get this weird thirst for realness, authenticity and honesty. You might even start writing a blog and scream your vulnerability at the top of your lungs at anyone that would listen. #breakingthefourthwall

A few months ago I set up a little reunion with some friends that I hadn’t seen in years. Only 2 showed up: the single ones. I was still new to the dating App world and waaay more hopeful/naive than the other two. They laughed at my face when I told them I was looking for “butterflies”.

We caught up, had drinks, shared dating stories and had the best fucking time! But I couldn’t help it be bothered by this question: “how are we ALL having a shitty time dating?” I thought it was just me because I was new. I thought I’d get a handle on this after a while. I thought I was constantly being disappointed because I had high expectations. Knowing everyone else is in the same boat is comforting, but also sad as shit.

I love my friends and think they’re the fucking best. I know a lot of people that are on and off these Apps and they’re all incredible, caring, successful people. So why are we all suffering?

I don’t have the answer. I have questions and theories: Are we all looking for different things? Maybe. Are we too busy to commit? Perhaps. Am I starting to sound like every guy that’s broken up with me in the past three weeks? Yes.

Or maybe we don’t really know what we’re looking for. I think we look at the “happy” around us and want to have that so badly: not quite realizing that it’s fake and for the most part phony. I think we’re looking to be praised and loved, but only by those who ignore us. I think when someone decent comes along who treats us the way we deserve to be treated, we think we can do better. I think we’re looking for “upgrades” in humans, the way we do with our jobs, apps, phones, technologies and lifestyles. I think that we sabotage what we have by “drunk texting” because we’re tired of the games and the politics involved in dating. I think we all want commitment and love, but are too entitled for any sort of sacrifice. I think we pat ourselves on the back and think of ourselves as “heroes” when we end something before it even starts because we’re sparing others of the pain we might cause them. I think we’re all suffering from a serious case of FOMO. I think we’re all full of SHIT. I think we need more honesty. I think we all need to get more real with ourselves and those around us. I think we need to have open and honest conversations. I think we may all need to start writing dating blogs.