No Middle Ground

What’s the protocol on swiping right on people that you know? What if everyone I know secretly has a crush on me? Thanks to my parents I’ve lived my whole life in a constant state of flux :On one hand I have severe low self-esteem (including but not limited to body image issues, thinking I’m too much, not funny enough, etc.) and on the other I think the ground I walk on should be worshiped: there’s no middle ground.

My parents smothered me with love all my life. They told me other kids were jealous of me when I got bullied in elementary school for having a uni-brow and wearing funny looking clothes from Iran:

 

So now I’m thinking what if everyone’s just too shy to admit it? What if they’ve waited patiently for YEARS hoping I’d get separated, putting positive vibes out there in the universe for me to finally be single? What kind of a heartless monster would I be to not swipe right, right??

I swipe right on most of the people I know (unless they ever dated/ flirted or talked to a friend of mine). It’s just a nice thing to do!

So here’s a funny story about how I matched with a guy at work and am now too awkward to walk to the kitchen for a cup of coffee or go to the printer by myself:

As I lay in my bed, listening to Adele’s angelic voice and wondering why no one loves me, I come across a familiar face. I stop mindlessly swiping and scroll down to his bio: hilarious and creative (bonus points)! So I send him a funny response (I use the word “funny” lightly. He might have thought otherwise). To my UTTER shock and surprise, he didn’t even know who I was! I’m loud, take up space and think everyone is already in love with me or hates my guts:

The conversation with work guy went on for a little while then sort of died on the App. He was away from our office for the duration of our conversation and I thought he had already moved on to other projects.

Then one morning as I walk into the kitchen with my coffee mug, breaking in my new high heels, I see him. I almost tripped (because new shoes) but kept my composure, grabbed my coffee and went back to my desk.

“Welcome back” I immediately messaged him. “I just wanted to say hi so it would be less awkward if we ran into each other again. Speaking of which, Did you notice me tripping in the kitchen?” “I didn’t think it was that awkward”, he said “imagine if we got stuck in an elevator together”.

I love the way this guy thinks: things could always get worse!

I see him around the office often. Sometimes we say a friendly hello and talk about what we’re doing for lunch. Other times we pretend like we don’t know each other and look away so we don’t have to talk: There’s no middle ground.