“Online dating is like Donald Trump: It seems bad at first, but then it gets worse”. That’s a quote I stole from Facebook and it’s also the bio of my Bumble profile. You might be wondering how I got here so let’s flash back to 9 months ago when I finally decided to leave my loveless marriage of 5 years. The goal was to do it before I turned 30, and on a glorious, hot, June day when the sun was shining and I was still technically 28 years old, I took my clothes and moved back in with my parents – a great start, I know!
But enough about my traumatizing experience as a married woman, let’s move on to the good stuff! I got married at 24 (sorry, this part is essential for context. I promise I’m done), before online dating was a “thing”. It only took me a couple of months to download my first APP. It was probably on a weekend, where I lay in my old bed in Markham, thousands of miles away from the city where all the action is. I’m only exaggerating a tiny bit . Markham is far and nothing ever happens here and if you’re used to living and working in the city and have always had a lame excuse for not getting your driver’s license, then it’s safe to say it’s the “online dating” of places to be. AKA shit.
“Installed”. Here we go! Swipe left, swipe left, swipe left, ooooh go back… oops I think I accidentally liked someone else. It took me a few tries to get the swiping business right, but I finally did it. Now I can do it in my sleep. In fact, I do.
I was funny, I was unique, I was on FIRE. Swipe, match! Swipe, Match, Swipe, not a match… meh no hard feelings.
My confidence is THROUGH the fucking ROOF! This is where I’m my best self. Charming, funny, flirty, witty, did I mention funny? I crack myself up. Not to give too much of a peek into my insecurities, but I had ALWAYS wanted to date a white guy. Here I was matching left and right with SO MANY OF THEM.
I had a strategy down: read through their profile, come up with a funny, customized opening, and send! OK, now we’re talking! With at least 4 people simultaneously: 4 completely different conversations going. Wow, I’m so interesting, and smart, and quick to reply! It’s always about how you feel about yourself (discovery!). At this point, you don’t really care about who is on the other side. My mom will often ask why I’m smiling at my phone and I tell her because I’m hilarious!
Some conversations die instantly. Some go on for a boring while then die, and some make it to your actual phone. Because the app has “glitches”, and sometimes it’s just “easier”, or you may not want to use your “data”.
I call it “The Survival of the Wittiest.” Who can keep up with how incredible I am? Some more convos die on your phone. Those are the hardest to see because they made it so far! Like the last contestants on The Bachelor these are equivalent of meeting the parents: You’ve invested so much time and energy into this and are sad to see it die. But unlike The Bachelor there isn’t an awkward ceremony where you shove them in a limo and wish them all the best. So what do you do with the evidence? Do you delete their number? Maybe delete the conversation but keep the number just in case.
alright, so now we’re down to the last 2? Le’ts meet! Gulp… I’m not a quitter, let’s do this! Let’s meet in person!
For me, one of the hardest parts is bringing up my situation. I’m an awkward, quirky person and this is an awkward thing to talk about. I can never find a break in the witty back and forth banter to say .. oh by the way “I was married for 5 years and am now separated. Not even divorced yet. But I’m not damaged or anything”.
The very first date I went on was with a teacher. I’ve worked with kids before so I thought that would be a good start! The harsh truth with online dating is that no one looks like they do in their photos. Only an apparition of what they actually look like. The way the light hits, the filters, the black and whites… It’s all a trick.
Also, almost everyone has a group picture from a wedding for 2 reasons:
1. This is the bridesmaid effect – where people generally look better in a group photo
2. Everyone’s best friend, sibling, cousin, roommate is getting married, because we’re ALL at that awkward point in our lives. And we’re all desperately looking for our “happily ever after”, and that wedding was beautiful and their vows made me feel like an unlovable, lonely, sad, desperate person who can never find love.
In the spirit of wanting to feel superior, I’ll just say 1) I don’t have a group photo on my profile, 2) not falling for that again.
The date with the teacher is a total job interview. It’s the very first official date I’ve been on. I love talking about myself, so I do: my background, where I went to school, immigration, my job… and he does the same, and I don’t really care what high school he went to. So far, I think I’m doing OK! Sipping on my gin and tonic quicker than I need to, but still being charming, although a bit less funny in person.
Then he starts with the pop-culture references. My weakness! I’m SO bad at this. My excuse is that I wasn’t born into the Western culture. I’ve never watched Star Wars (until recently on a date, which I’ll elaborate on another time), don’t know anything about the DC or Marvel universes, and have only ever watched the first Harry Potter movie… the list goes on. Silver lining: at least now it’s out in the universe.
I’ve been great at faking it in the past in big groups. But this is it… Me and this teacher guy and my nodding head. How long can I smile and nod before having to admit I don’t know what he’s talking about? I down my first gin and tonic and ask for a second. This will surely help. But I keep getting quieter. Then he wants to know what my first concert was, and about the first album that I bought. um.. fuck. I get out of that the same way I have in the past, it’s a bit tougher, but I’ve had many years of experience.
Dinner is even more awkward. Why can’t I find anything to talk about? This is torture. Maybe I should date people who are in the same industry because we’ll have more to talk about (spoiler alert! Nope). Dinner is finally over. We walk out the restaurant that is right around the corner from my where I work, and I’m so bad with PDA (it’s a cultural thing. I’ve got guilt and anxiety and issues, but we won’t get to that boring stuff) and he goes in for a kiss. I do the most awkward, little dodge and go in for a weird hug/ kiss on the cheek and shut him down. It gets more awkward from there. He gives me a ride to the station in his car and we say goodbye.
It’s been 7 months now, but he still sees my Instagram stories.
The Married Girl On Bumble 